Vente

I've kept this to myself for the longest time, but I really need to vent. AP Calculus test tomorrow, but what does it matter? It won't count for anything.

It's been a long time, but it still follows me and I can't shake it off and forget. I don't understand why anything had to happen in the first place. Why doesn't anyone ever get along with anyone anymore? We always have to find a reason to talk about others behind their backs. I know. I am guilty of it. But doesn't anyone else feel guilty? I know that I wouldn't appreciate it. In this particular situation, it worked both ways. Everyone was guilty. No one was blameless no matter what they think. The worst part is that I was caught in it and I wanted nothing to do with it. I know now that I should've done something first before it got worse. But how was I supposed to know? I wasn't even aware anything could happen. I was blindly and naively living my life, thinking everything was good and that nothing could be better. But really, everything was crashing down gradually and my perception of a good life was collapsing. How come no one ever considered what I felt? All they could think of was how their pride was hurt or how they took offense. But no one ever considered my feelings. Isn't it my life? Don't I get to have a say in this? But no. They were selfish and only thought about what they were entitled to. Too bad it seems like I was the only one who lost anything substantial. I don't really care if they read this. Sad thing is that it's not even just one person. A lot of people have their share of the blame. But I've long forgiven everyone no matter how much I thought what they did was wrong or how they reacted was wrong. But the saddest part is.. that it won't go away. No one else has forgiven. No one else has forgotten. Why do they keep insisting on keeping the conflict alive? Just let it go already. There's no need to even think about how much you dislike anyone. And if you do stupidly insist on keeping this up, then leave me out of it. Haven't I already lost what's important to me? I messed up. I know. But I own up to it. Why do you insist on holding it against me even now? Just hurry up and move on in life. Otherwise you'll end up missing it.

I don't think I've ever needed divine intervention more than now. God, make it disappear.

College

So the cards have played out and I have to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I'll get to that decision later. I just want to reflect on the process as a whole.

This entire college admission process has been up and down. I really realized how much I wasn't who I thought I was and I was just so humbled. There is nothing like getting your dreams smashed on one day. But I know that I've learned a lot from this experience. I know now that I have to be truly humble and that I have to put everything in God's hands. I put too much of my effort in trying to make myself happy and fulfill the expectations that other people had for me. Looking back, I should have kept God first in my mind and I should have kept my attitude in check. I probably shouldn't have paid attention to what other people said to me. They kept complimenting me and everything and I really embraced it too much. I guess the thing I'm taking away from this is that there are always more amazing people in the world and that I've got to be humble in everything I do.

It's over. Time to finally enjoy senior year.

Another Day

Summer feels like everyday is the same as the one before and the one after. But right now, it's time to start working. I put off all my school work and other responsibilities until now. So this month, I will be in intense mode! Story of my life: procrastination.

I'm kind of blogging now because I am sitting in the lab waiting for someone to stop by. I am too lazy to do anything else.

Inception was a good movie. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Although I wish there was some explanation as to how exactly that machine was developed so that you can like enter other people's dreams? It is kind of trippy. But it had an excellent plot, a good amount of action, and the kind of complexity that challenges your intellect.

I am definitely gaining weight from this inactivity. Sigh.

I want my capo back.

Summer Sighs

It's been so long since I've updated this. I wonder if anyone will care to read this new post. I just have a lot on my mind now I guess.

Summer drags on. All I do is work in a lab for 6 hours and go home. Repeat. It's boring and I feel so tired of it. Sigh.

So I like to follow basketball. Today, LeBron announced that he is going to the Miami Heat. They'll be a good team for sure. I am also sure that many veteran players will take the minimum salary to get a chance to play with the great triumvirate. But wow. LeBron, Wade, and Bosh? Crazy.

The LeBron fans annoy me. All of a sudden they are Heat fans. Wow. Bandwagoning much? Super annoying. I mean you go around one season proclaiming that Cleveland is the greatest team in the league. Then you go around telling everyone that the Heat are the best. Just sigh.

There are just things in life you have to accept. I've been figuring that out more and more. No matter how hard you wish for things to be different, sometimes you can't do anything at all. I want things to go my way. I want to have control over what happens. But I am really just powerless. No one really can understand how I feel. It's hard to explain to myself. It's irrational. It's ridiculous even. But I can't help it. It's like an instinct and no matter how hard I try to scratch it out or erase it, I always fail. What am I supposed to do?

Sigh.

If I were dead...

Don't you hate it when people are unhappy? It just makes you even more unhappy. That's frustrating.

I've decided to write a blog instead of beginning the large mountain of homework that I have to do this weekend.

I think I'd like to start writing about random and quirky things that I think about.

Let's start this off:

What Would Life Would Be Like If I Was Dead

Oh wow Curtis. Really? Is this a suicide note? Are you foreshadowing the end to a very short and unproductive life? Maybe. Not. Are you trying to get attention by making everyone feel all sympathetic and helping everyone to see how important you are to them? Maybe. Not really.

This is something that I know everyone reading this blog post has wondered. There are moments in life where you feel like everyone else around you would be better off if you weren't in their lives. Obviously it's too late to not have ever met them. You can't be completely erased from their memory. The best alternative is to die. This way, you will no longer be in their lives and they might change their perspective of you. Genius? Maybe.

I wasn't being serious. This is just something that I'm curious about. I always think about who would be the first to cry. Would anyone even cry? Who would care? At school, would they be like, "I heard some Asian kid passed away"? or would it be more like, "Curtis is dead? NOOOO." Hmm.

I guess this is some kind of way for me to feel like I'm valued and that people would actually care if I was gone.

Most of the time, when I think about this, it involves a girl. I'm not going to like. Guys, don't act like you've never wondered how that special girl that you are secretly in love with would feel if you died. Well, maybe you haven't. But now you will. Muahahaha. Aren't I crafty?

This is what happens. You meet this girl. You are attracted to her for whatever reason. It could be her contagious smile. It could be the eyes that tacitly comfort you and make you feel like the only person in the universe that she cares about. It could be her cute laugh. It could be her good looking ear lobes. Whatever floats your boat.

You have this feeling that she could never fall for you. Right? I mean. You are just another guy. You've got that feeling that you'll never jump off the friend ladder and make it to the date-able ladder. You are so tolerable. Not anything special. Just tolerable. Seriously, you can't do anything right. You're not as smart as she is. You certainly aren't as good looking. You can only do what everyone else can. How could you possibly be special to her?

Now you are kind of sad. Does she even care about you? Maybe as a friend. But how about in the way that you want to be cared about? There is one way to find out.

Maybe if you were dead and you could watch from heaven, you could see how she reacts when she finds out you've died in a horrible incident. Will she be like, "Oh. Wow. Really?"? Or will she break down into tears and wish you back into life?

This brings me to a tangent. Usually when I think about this, I wonder in which manner I would die. I've fantasized many different scenarios. Car accidents. Life-threatening diseases. But there is usually one instance that always comes up. What if you died to save her?

Stop laughing. I'm totally serious. I think that if this was the way you died, you would most likely get the result that you want. Is it a genuine love or an act of appreciation? Who knows. But one thing you can be sure of is that you have made an everlasting impression on her life. She'll never forget you because you gave your breath to prolong hers.

I would imagine you are in the same class as she is. She is sitting a couple rows behind you. You both are listening to the same droll and monotony that is spilling from your middle-aged teacher. All of a sudden, some crazed man bursts into the room with a gun, threatening to shoot anyone that moves. This girl is scared to death. Somehow she earns the attention of this man. He starts toward her and she retaliates. He is enraged. He points the gun at her from a couple yards away. You see the fear in her eyes. She is trembling. BAM.

Now you are lying on the floor. Your white v-neck shirt is stained with red blood gushing from your stomach. The man is in disbelief. He runs out of the room for some reason. (I don't know why. I just want him to leave so it won't be awkward) This girl puts your head in her lap and starts to cry. This is your opportunity.

What you say in these last breaths could possibly cement you into her memory. You could play the hero card. Tell her it was nothing although it really is something. Tell her that she was worth it. Anything along those lines. You could tell her that you love her and that you were too scared to say it before. That would probably wrench her heart a bit. Basically, say something you would hear in a movie.

You stare into her eyes. You feel your life slipping away from you. Touch her face with your hand. Tell her good-bye. Take a last breath. Shut your eyes. Die.

Then comes the reaction that you've waited for. But who knows what she'll say?

So yeah. That's something I've thought about before. Obviously I'm not sure that I would want to die just to see how I affect some girl. But it's an interesting thing to think about.

Well I guess the thing I wanted everyone to get out of this is to think about how we affect the people around us. Are we positive or negative influences? Do we make them happy or do we cause them to cry? Don't wait to die to find out.

Okay. That's that. Time to work.

So comment and tell me if you've ever thought about stuff like that.

Have a splendidly pleasant day.

Dear JoJo

So apparently our little conversation propelled the mechanization of your brain and the cogs began to slowly turn in the unfathomed swirl of thoughts that is your mind.

First, I'll address the topic that started the domino cascade of intellectual musings in your subconscious. I haven't always been an Obama fan myself. But I was optimistic that he could live up to his promises and change America for the better. One year from his arrival in the White House, the economy has shown little signs of life despite efforts such as "Cash For Clunkers", the date of withdrawal of troops from Afghanistan has been extended, and Guantanamo Bay has not been closed. Obviously, the issue of Guantanamo Bay takes a backseat to the welfare of the nation's economy and the recovery from a damaging recession. Even universal health care seems to be higher in priority than dealing with world-class criminals.

Of course, Obama still has three years left in his term. I believe that it is enough time to still live up to his campaign promises. But quite frankly, there are many Americans who are sorely disappointed.

Now with the debate at hand. I think you failed to realize that Teddy was joking about killing the criminals. At least, I think he was. Think about it logically. You can't kill anyone at anytime you feel like it. It takes years and years for people on death row to be sentenced. Obviously, Ted is enamored with the idea of bloodshed and violence, both of which are inherent in his personality.

As for myself, I do not believe that killing the terrorists will solve the problem of Guantanamo Bay. Of course, it'd be easy and simple to carry out. But only in theory. The controversy and the conflict that would arise is a risk that no one in the government will be willing to take. So let's just scratch the idea of killing anyone for now.

I also called you a liberal mostly because you supported Obama. No other reason.

So you had this brilliant idea about a reality show starring all of the world-class terrorists currently in prison. Sure, it would make a lot of money. No doubt about it. The media and American audience would certainly eat it up. But in the end, it would be about the money.

It's not very likely that any U.S. official would compromise in order to save a new terrorist friend. If the government made compromises, what kind of country would this be? It's not pragmatic. The law has to be enforced to protect people in the future.

This brings me to your next point. I admire that you know the the word of God so well and that you so readily love your enemies. It's not like Teddy and I aren't Christians and we don't believe in what the Bible says. If you thought any different than this, then you are very mistaken. We do love our enemies. Yes, it is extremely important to love those who persecute you. It is even more important to love those who are lost and fallen from God's path.

But I'm not sure this means that we can condone any sin. I believe in second chances. I believe that by accepting Jesus as your savior, you attain the gift of eternal life. Sure. I also believe that each criminal in Guantanamo Bay still has a chance to spend eternity with God. But does that mean we can let everyone in the world do what they want, thinking, "oh well. God will still accept me in the end."? Unfortunately, actions have consequences. To love someone doesn't always mean letting them get what they want. I'm sure every criminal would love to be exonerated and exempt from punishment. But they've got to learn their lesson. Maybe that's what it takes for them to realize that life without God sucks.

So in short, I don't think it's such a great idea to let these individuals off the hook by giving them television fame or online stardom. Maybe it would be better to let them serve their sentence. Maybe that will change them more effectively.

Basically, yes you are a liberal in my book, but mostly because you are an Obama fan and the term is used very loosely (with little to no seriousness)when I say it. No, I don't really think that we should kill the terrorists. I can't speak for Ted. The reality show would make lots of money (which would probably be the goal of the producers) and would not be as successful in amending the sentences of the criminals. Love is awesome, but that doesn't mean we just let them go.

I can't wait to see what Teddy writes.

Thanks for making me waste 30 minutes of study time.

Useless

There are just some moments when you feel so useless.

You can't do anything for anyone. You don't have any control or you don't know what to say.

What do I do in the moments where I feel useless? The feeling of being inadequate, unneeded, or simply not good enough is something that can weigh heavy on your mind and bother you like a pulsating cut on your hand. It isn't easy to shake it off and say to myself, "There's nothing I can do." Of course there is something I can do. But what if I don't know what to do? Do I have to find out what it is that's missing?

Sometimes the people around me are hurt or worried. What do they want me to say? I want them to feel better, but what if I say the wrong things or if I just don't know what to say at all. It's a horrible feeling. It's so hard to stand by and watch, knowing that you could have done something, but you were too unaware or ignorant to find out what it was.

What if they are telling me about their relationship problems? I don't know that much about that stuff. All I know how to say is, "Everything will work out." What if that's not what they want to hear? I don't have a solution. I don't have the answer, the panacea to all the problems in life. But I want to help. How do I do it?

What if they are worrying about school? I know what it's like to worry about grades, but everyone is different. Some people simply don't care. Others only care sometimes. Even more worry themselves into a bottomless pit of depression. People have different ways to cope with stress. Some people are confident that they can improve themselves or that if they fail, they are resilient enough to get back up. Others lack that self-confidence. How do I help them? What do I say to make them hopeful? What can I do to show them that although school is important, it's not the end of everything? It's especially hard when I care about them.

What if they have been emotionally hurt? Gossip or verbal abuse is painful and the pain stings, lingering to elicit even more tears. I don't have that much experience with this stuff. All the hurtful words. I don't really know what to tell them.

I wish that I could always know what to say. Life would be so easy. If I knew what to say at the right time all the time, I wouldn't even have to worry. There wouldn't be any feeling of uselessness. Not a trace.

Unfortunately, that will never happen. What do I do now? For now, I will try my best to be useful.