Vente

I've kept this to myself for the longest time, but I really need to vent. AP Calculus test tomorrow, but what does it matter? It won't count for anything.

It's been a long time, but it still follows me and I can't shake it off and forget. I don't understand why anything had to happen in the first place. Why doesn't anyone ever get along with anyone anymore? We always have to find a reason to talk about others behind their backs. I know. I am guilty of it. But doesn't anyone else feel guilty? I know that I wouldn't appreciate it. In this particular situation, it worked both ways. Everyone was guilty. No one was blameless no matter what they think. The worst part is that I was caught in it and I wanted nothing to do with it. I know now that I should've done something first before it got worse. But how was I supposed to know? I wasn't even aware anything could happen. I was blindly and naively living my life, thinking everything was good and that nothing could be better. But really, everything was crashing down gradually and my perception of a good life was collapsing. How come no one ever considered what I felt? All they could think of was how their pride was hurt or how they took offense. But no one ever considered my feelings. Isn't it my life? Don't I get to have a say in this? But no. They were selfish and only thought about what they were entitled to. Too bad it seems like I was the only one who lost anything substantial. I don't really care if they read this. Sad thing is that it's not even just one person. A lot of people have their share of the blame. But I've long forgiven everyone no matter how much I thought what they did was wrong or how they reacted was wrong. But the saddest part is.. that it won't go away. No one else has forgiven. No one else has forgotten. Why do they keep insisting on keeping the conflict alive? Just let it go already. There's no need to even think about how much you dislike anyone. And if you do stupidly insist on keeping this up, then leave me out of it. Haven't I already lost what's important to me? I messed up. I know. But I own up to it. Why do you insist on holding it against me even now? Just hurry up and move on in life. Otherwise you'll end up missing it.

I don't think I've ever needed divine intervention more than now. God, make it disappear.

College

So the cards have played out and I have to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I'll get to that decision later. I just want to reflect on the process as a whole.

This entire college admission process has been up and down. I really realized how much I wasn't who I thought I was and I was just so humbled. There is nothing like getting your dreams smashed on one day. But I know that I've learned a lot from this experience. I know now that I have to be truly humble and that I have to put everything in God's hands. I put too much of my effort in trying to make myself happy and fulfill the expectations that other people had for me. Looking back, I should have kept God first in my mind and I should have kept my attitude in check. I probably shouldn't have paid attention to what other people said to me. They kept complimenting me and everything and I really embraced it too much. I guess the thing I'm taking away from this is that there are always more amazing people in the world and that I've got to be humble in everything I do.

It's over. Time to finally enjoy senior year.